Iye Igasho (smoke that wanders)

What importance is there to being nothing? It is nothingness in which we exist; you see, we are the spinning top w/ force continually jutting along, only to land again at center of nothing___ completely inert. Currently we spin round-&-round through the natural force born from nothing, because of nothing, thus creating the inertia, which drives us outward, upward, inward, downward___ inside out & upside down. Again, I ask you, what is the importance of being nothing? Since, in fact we are something, we are___ everything. In essence nothingness is whole, whether in a state of inertia or to be inert. The two are opposites, but the same in one.
W/ body we see ourselves as an individual w/ two eyes, two ears, a nose & mouth. We are so closely surrounded by condensed matter of the tangible, & our senses responding, that we get lost or simply never understand that there is no individual. The only individual is nothing, from which has sprung everything. Still we are born, eat, live & breathe believing ourselves to be a lone creature existing among other lone creatures. We have the choice of being alone or to be a part of the crowd, whether or not we feel accepted. & acceptance seems to matter a great deal to one’s mind during certain stages of cognitive growth. It is not necessary though, this thing we perceive as acceptance in the eyes of others. The only acceptance that matters is that of the self, & the self is not much but what may matter in the present. The present is the cusp moment between past & future. As for the past, it is only fragments & memories. The future is simple conjecture, which will eventually be reduced to fragments of experience we require to navigate forward as that lone creature which is the whole. However, no more than a grain of sand in the ripples of a body of water so vast it is incomprehensible. & yes, what is being said here, may be incomprehensible.

This isn’t the point though. No, I don’t know the point. I’m not really interested in getting the total purpose just yet, because___ I’m busy. W/out doubt, there are things to be done beforehand, as the top is still spinning___.

A bright glimmer hits the peripheral vision & it occurs so quickly you may chalk it up to being just a mirage, but in that splice of a second you saw something & it made you wonder. Again & again you shake your head & go back to the grind of life. ‘What next? Am I doing the right thing? What was that you said___ you want me to put me foot where?' & you’re expected to grasp it all at once, & even if you did it would still take awhile to sink in. Whatever it may be. Either way, somewhere inside, you have a personal process responding to the outside world & figuring out how to stay alive is an innate aspect of your individual. Plenty of other things go through our minds as well daily, which have influence on one’s behavior. To say the least___ & to boot, we’re all different but so many of us are the same.
Life is a conundrum in which no matter if we’re sitting still we are still doing something. Maybe what matters is more what is being done w/ that something.
When looking down the barrel of the inevitable there’s an instinct that wants to say: run away, ___when you know you’re already shackled. It’s a process you must go through, just like the pig in the slaughterhouse, whether or not there’s a silver lining you still have to go through the cheese grater. How else would we learn? Although there are people who live out their lives w/out ever knowing, which I find quite odd since it’s right in front of you. Plain as night-&day! & then even, there are people who acknowledge it & just decide not to respond. Don’t you think that’s an insult to existence itself? & I love this God business! What a fantastic lubricant. Segregation is an unfortunate foe, but it is necessary. We can’t all see it from the same angle, because then there would never be any conflict. Sometimes we even experience a lack of conflict & seek out creating it, because perhaps we’re lost & are searching for the right thing to do as we annually slough our skins & live a million lives through each cell which feels like just one moment, w/ titles of past & future as appendages. It can’t only be me, other people too just sit & think until everything is stripped away, the boundary of your understanding is reached & you must wait until something gives. & you can’t behave like it’s somebody else’s fault, since____ it’s just the way things go. Pointing fingers is just denial & denial makes no sense, to me, since unless one can indubitably prove themselves to themselves, then why run away? Sure put some things off, I mean hell___ we’ve all got fears. Inevitably you will have to face them though, just like flu shots when you were a kid. Even as an adult you occasionally smell the building your parents would take you to each year for your shot. Back then it seemed like such a big deal & now I look back & smile w/ a bit of a laugh, since by 30 I’ve seen so many needles & IVs that I even sing through the squealing when they shove a needle into the meat of my backside. I’ve been so sick I was once found slumped on the floor up against the cupboard beneath my apartment’s sink, feeling what could have been the final moments of my last breath. At that time I had lost all will somehow & my condition was critical to an extreme, whether or not I would or could afford to go see a doctor. By then I had gotten used to paralyzing pain & had drug my body across the apartment floor in order to unlock the door for help. Now I know my power of will & strength much better, as well___ my potential as something w/in nothing.

Thrown into this world full of possibilities & having to come to terms w/ the fact that you have to pay for life. Your payment is not death, because death___ well, death is a dubiously promising relief. I’m still working on that one even though it seems pretty obvious that acceptance is acceptance. Again the inevitable! More so the payment for life is the struggle that comes in between birth & death. Assuming most see hope as a child, I did not. There was something else going on in my mind from the second I was cut from her body. A ticking w/ pitch shifting, the distractions of the outer world sometimes drown it out but it just gets louder. By the age of three something changed in me drastically, something even my parents admit. I know what happened, what realization clicked & I forever know that change. It’s one of the few memories I retained from childhood. Needless to say this made me different from other children & as an adult it’s people in general. When I meet another who gets it we look eye-to-eye as if to say: oh, you see it too___ check, we’re cool, & so on. You may not even like each other, but there’s an understanding you both share that cannot be denied. As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed there’s a shedding of layers in this which leads to the loosing of friends & so on simply because they aren’t advancing on the same path as you in understanding & perception. Due to this repetition I’ve learned to let go & just spend most of my time alone. It is difficult to be close to anyone when living on a continual rollercoaster of illness & agony. They want me around, but most of the time I just can’t do it. I used to, & even managed the ability to make money some way or another, but it reached a point where solitude is the only option in a day-after-day sort of scheduled malady of disturbing symptoms.
Acceptance is quite a slippery thing, eventually you settle into the process though. What remains is the observations on how something of such immense & all consuming magnitude, to the point of paralysis & to become a prisoner to its effects, could happen. In my case it was by someone else’s hand, not nature per se, but in a sense still very much a part of it; maybe it bites me that I was so blind to let it happen. W/out doubt I was left w/ the impression that I cannot trust this world. Trust has to be found somewhere, even if in oneself.  W/out full understanding of the intent behind the initial incident I began to set structures in my mind to help protect myself. At the same time scared of something & not even knowing if it was myself or___. There’s a positive side to all of this___ since I think perhaps before this I was jaded already, if anything my mentality has improved whether or not my health is on the same track. I remember the outside world; it was a strange place full of fake smiles, perfunctory behavior due to necessary alliance & pseudo enemies___ but friends, people, strategy, interaction, experience, more laughter. Now I see it as the grass isn’t greener on the other side, so shut the fuck up & keep to your own deal.

Beginning to get the impression that we felt as though we were promised more at birth & got less, & we should only be lucky to blame ourselves? It’s how you deal w/ it that matters. The type of childhood I assume in others due to media, literature, observation & such, I always found misleading. Being ill & mostly confined to one room has helped me strengthen my self-discipline, however that doesn’t mean I have accomplished much. Perhaps that’s just how I see it though, I’m told otherwise at times, but I feel I’m rather stuck in my own head. I’m beginning to think we are all stuck in our own heads, just some more so than others.


(the first sections of the book I'm working on___ the pages I've written beyond this still need a lot of work, so this is as much as I can show right now)