Filling-in

In the past two weeks I have fallen very ill. My body goes through spells where my condition becomes terrifying; day before yesterday this last spell seemed to hit its peek. At 29___ I feel very old due to being so sick. Over the past 8 years, since the initial incident, my 'material' life has fallen apart while my spirit grows by bounds___ leaping forward w/ all I have & am still learning through persevering & remaining as patient as possible. As a child I was born w/out hope, since by simple observation & beginning experience it was apparent life is trouble. Every beautiful moment is surrounded by corners that when turned hold misfortune___, & each misfortune is brimmed w/ the light of the next joyful experience. After rounding so many corners & passing through each glimmering brim___ I have gained more hope than I know what to do w/. However, what knowledge I have earned on my path does not change the fact that my body remains in a continual state of pain & various disturbing symptoms that taunt every second of my conscious life. As well, no professional has ever been able to diagnose or properly treat what ails me. Something tells me I am better for this experience. We all have fears though___ & my main fear is that no matter how hard I fight w/ the faculties of my spirit___ that my body may just remain sullied by illness for the rest of my living days. It would take a miracle to fully regain my health at this point. The damage is too permanent. Still___ I have hope for many aspects of my life. My desires have become very basic over the years, & not what I expected when I was much younger. It appears I have shifted into a very traditional mindset. Once past as much of this illness as can be accomplished___ all I really want is a good & true relationship, a home & a family. However, the last is a tall-call being that due to what has happened to me___ I am unable to have children. In the meantime I am not interested in the tryst or those wasting my time w/ mediocre mind games (the three legged creature calling its crutch a weapon) & so on. Whether I will die young has yet to be determined or if I will ever stumble upon what my hopes are meant for___ & those not able to accept & reciprocate what is is___ hold no place in my life. Neither do I have the interest or the room for such interactions being that there are far more important tasks at hand for me to deal w/.
In my last post I stated that I am keeping most of my writing in journal form now & am retraining my left hand to do all my writing. Two days in___ I've come to realize it is the telling of my life. I have yet to write about the present or the future, only the past leading up to___. & I know this is what is right for me currently. The obstacle of retraining my left hand for good penmanship & what information I put down on paper is worth more than any other outlet to me___ for now.

L.