Friday, January 30, 2015

Thanks, but no thanks___


When screaming: kill me
like a woman in labor,
just bite the pillow

Alone, on my own___,
so kiss my pearly white ass
w/ no altruism

When the pain does stop
I will pick up the pieces
on my own, always.


-
Yes, I know this sounds angry, but I'm not entertaining that emotion. Instead, I am expressing___ I guess, simply that I can take care of myself even when paralyzed by pain. I have always taken care of myself, & I should've gone to the hospital today. There wasn't anybody home though, & when someone did arrive___ she was so horrified by my state that she wouldn't look at or speak to me. There are some days when I'm scared that altruism has truly died in the modern age of humanity. Something inside tells me I know better though. It's like utopia, which can only exist through an individual, as opposed to the mass. Altruism is similar in that___ some (most) people are more driven by fear of themselves & others to really commit to an altruistic act. Or, even compassion___ for that matter. Having predominately taken care of myself for 30 years___ I don't get angry when I'm dealing w/ the paralyzing pains, but it does hurt me emotionally (just for a bit, I get over it quick, because I understand the source) when___ someone does finally arrive & they don't even have the guts to ask if they can be there for me. Now___ I just expect things to be this way.

Thursday, January 29, 2015

The end point?


All the questions I seek to ask only give riddles back,
while the past no longer exists
& the future is an approaching mist
I must drift into w/ no fear riding my back.
Trust & faith are in a rat race to some end point
where there may be a door, but nobody knows for sure.

(Only half of my purpose is understood anymore.)

Friday, January 23, 2015

Taking fuck for granted


Ya know, for not having had a long-term relationship in five years, barely remembering what having sex feels like I have abstained so long &___ my main job right now IS being nude. Things are getting annoyingly surreal. These events come in waves. Being asked out by an obvious date rapist that knows where I live, peeping toms at the door windows while I'm at work (they covered the windows after I was tempted to break my position & adjust my middle finger to make my point) & not to mention___ someone has been coming in after hours & fucking on the very recliner I pose on! The vaginal discharge & dried cum say it all.
Let me state: I do like my job. I really enjoy working w/ students & teachers as a team for the purpose of art. The people I work w/ are great, the students are very respectful & kind; plus we all get into a tizzy when we come back & things are moved/tampered w/. 
As I was picked up for work, I was handed a print out titled: Why you should date or normal girl versus a wild mystic. That alone made me smile. I don't know exactly if this person is the original author, but it says: via Alison Nappi (it may just be a meme of sorts that has been floating around for awhile, but it suits!). It reads:

A mystic is a wild creature. She is made. She is deliberately forged by something mysterious. She is created for a purpose. She spends all her life seeking, for there is nothing else worth doing. She peers & gazes until she falls from the edge of the world, & into the next. Over & over.
Each time she returns, she is a little different. What she sees must change her. She dies every day. She is reborn in every moment. Can you even begin to fathom the terror & the faith commanded from such a being? Can you even begin to understand what such a life can do?
Don't date a mystic, if you want the life you have. If you are comfortable & cozy, stay away. Whatever you have built around yourself to create comfort: it cannot stand in the blazing fire of a mystical woman. She is no trophy. She is no bodily pleasure-maker. She is the seer of souls.
She is the womb that births the divine into the flesh & bone of matter.
She doesn't mean to burn your village to the ground, but she has seen what you are meant to become. You are not a peasant sheering sheep, as you have thought. You are a king dressed in rags who has amnesia.
It is her assumption that you have come to be reborn. If you haven't, turn back now, while the world you know still exists.
If she touches you, & all the voices of the wind go silent, if you feel you are in a snow globe when you embrace her, she is your destroyer. She will destroy the false idol you see in the mirror. She will smash it open because it is your prison. If you wish to stay there, she will shatter you another way. She will leave.
A mystic may not for long engage w/ that which is too small for her, unless she is nurturing a seedling into its destiny. But the seed must be capable of fulfilling its own potential.
Everybody wants the magic, but nobody wants the Mystery, the schooling: a thing that must be lived in a place where book knowledge has no meaning, for all books are manuals to the world you already know. The means, the well-honed intellect --- the masculine theory of reason --- will not save you, cannot free you. It is for a world whose time is over.
The Mystery, by its very nature, must show you what has never been seen, never been written, never been known, because before you were forged, it was impossible. The arts of women have been called the dark arts for too long, & they are the keys to infinity. Infinite form. Infinite being. Infinite life.

(skipping ahead a bit)
If your dreams are not filled w/ Mystery, you are better off w/ a normal girl, because a mystic will see things that are invisible to you. She will feel things that you cannot feel beneath the layers of numbness you have wrapped yourself in.
She will call upon your true self, your real soul, & she will sing it down into you, into herself, & life will never be the same.


Reading that turned a few things around inside me. I wouldn't call myself a mystic or any such thing, but the description is close in a way. To date, in general, I have to pretend to be a normal girl___, but I'm not. I can't pretend anymore either, & that's why I've been wandering in my own world for so long. Is there one more that can be added? Usually I only receive visitors, but once they see the unknown___ they run, & I let them. My life is swimming face-up in nothingness, & I can't help that, I was born this way. I'd rather be alone, pushing the pieces of life's puzzles around in the dirt, than waste my time on someone that will just end up running away from me.

Oh wellz, just needed to vent a bit___.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

Alone in a motel room


Monday morning they came to take my empty stage away & put the new flooring down. ___ .sigh. & something happened that I've never experienced before. One of the workers (attractive enough w/ forearms decorated in old-school ska tattoos) & I were being personable to one another, since he was working right outside my door in a way that it had to be open. Naturally he could see all my gear, obvious love for books & art___ so he asked me questions about the art that I do, etc. No big deal. Well, as time passed I began to feel weary from lack of sleep, & needing plenty of rest for work the next day (derp today). At that point he didn't appear to need the door wide open anymore, so I pushed it to for some privacy. You're one lucky son of a bitch if you can successfully sleep w/ power tools raging right outside your door. I was able to rest well enough though, regardless. Laying on my side, not in my pajamas (instead the usual clothing, minus shoes), w/ Tibetan singing bowls playing to help me reach that extra state of calm. That is how I remained for a good half hour, perhaps a bit more. When I opened my eyes___ I noticed my door was half open, ___& the guy appeared to be working the corner where the wall meets the threshold of my door. He wasn't just working though, instead___ he was watching me as I appeared to be sleeping. Our eyes met, I didn't know what to do, so I sunk beneath my covers in order to be out of his vision. As I was sinking down to hide, he just casually turned his eyes back to his work. I waited until he was no longer in the hallway, got up, & closed my door again. Didn't know what to make of it at that moment & I still don't. There's more though___ once I thought they were finished w/ the flooring & assumed the coast to be clear, I went to step outside (it was 60 degrees, no clouds, a beautiful day to be outdoors). Turning the corner out of the hallway & into the anteroom, there he was___ sweeping. He then followed me outside, asked my name (I sure as hell didn't give him my full name), then proceeded to introduce himself by name. My discomfort level jumped up a couple notches about the time I noticed him fumbling w/ a piece of paper in his jacket pocket. He asked if I had a car, & I said no, then tried to derail him by telling him the story of what I did w/ my last car. My story didn't faze him, & that's when he pulled the piece of paper out of his pocket. Pre-written___ his name & phone number on the folded up page (the page is the diagram for the work they did on my mother's house), so___ obviously this is something he had thought about as he worked. He asked me to give him a call, that we could go get coffee together or what have you___ & that's where I go blank. I think at that point I just smiled in a perfunctory manner & walked around him & back inside.
Since the incident I have not been able to stop thinking it over. From what I have deduced based off the facts___ he's a date rapist, w/ the remaining chance that he's innocent enough & was just as awkward as I was by the end of our interaction. It's the car question___, him asking me if I have a car before giving me the piece of paper he anxiously fumbled w/ in his pocket. Why is me having or not having a car important in him asking me out? Hm? Seriously___ why is that important? That's not usually one of the first questions a guy asks me right before he takes the jump to ask me out. Not to mention the guts it would take to ask a girl out only an hour or so after her catching you watching her sleep. & just to add a little more color to this, he told me he lives in a motel room, I asked why, & he literally responded, "Got nowhere else to go."
None of these are good signs surrounding a guy asking me out. I'm not accusing him of being a date rapist, because he may be far from being such an awful type person. If anything I'm more curious as to what I did to make this guy think it would be okay to ask me out under such strange circumstances.

Sunday, January 18, 2015

An Empty Stage






A series I did today in a room that's been hollowed out in the house. I only have the room for use until tomorrow morning, so tonight I plan on doing more work. Probably another photo series (long exposure I'm thinking), & some video work. Who knows what I'll come up w/ hah

Thursday, January 15, 2015

Making myself useful


I really dig this photo. All I did was click for some blk & wht, didn't touch a thing other than that.
(Good lighting is good.)




At the end of the day____ I just hope life does heal. (Very filtered hah)

photos on 1/15/15
 


Wednesday, January 14, 2015

I forgot


As long as I only have female patrons, I'm fine w/ my work. The male students so far have always been cool toward me & don't hit on me___ at all. They're just very thankful.
After the first session back___, not only did I forget how difficult my job is, but how proud (maintaining modesty) I am of my ability to handle each aspect. One must be aware of each muscle, appendage & even expression___ from toes, finger tips to lips. Everything must remain exact until the timer goes off, & it's wonderful when the timer buzzes___ but for some reason none of us stop. The students keep painting, not taking their eyes off the tracks to & from their canvas & my figure, w/ the subtle comment, "That's not it, that can't be our timer. No way___." In class, we're all working together. However, it's time to get my muscles & joints re-stretched & conditioned, so I don't wake up quite THIS sore.
In short: I am pleased & branching outward back into this profession. I'm not so scared anymore.

Tuesday, January 13, 2015

FINALLY I swoon



FINALLY! My collection of Miller's trilogy that literally changed my life has been completed. Some jerk on Amazon misrepresented themselves by saying they had the entire trilogy in hardback for sale. My mother knowing of my love for Miller's work purchased it for me as a gift. The seller lied, the prize book of them all (Capricorn) was not included. Once my mother informed me of such unforgivable behavior, she said she could send them back if I wanted. They were already in my hands though! I couldn't let go of them at that point, & decided I would do whatever it took to find the missing piece. Today___ my first day back to work at the university (while waiting for my ride students talked to me & yes___ once they found out I'm not a student too, I got the awkward questions: "Oh___ so you're the___ so you___ WOW they see everything!?")___ once I got home, a package was waiting for me. My favorite book of all time! THE book that saved my life years ago & that I still read to keep me calm & alive. :} As I opened it to search for my favorite sections I nearly broke into tears of joy. Yes___ THIS is my reward for going back to my position as model.

Thursday, January 8, 2015

For you


Yes, I laid myself
open to better
understand
why I feel
the way
I do.


Wednesday, January 7, 2015

Girls just wanna have fun






Total photo rush I know! After the day I had though this girl needs to feel good & have some fun.
I signed my contract for modeling sessions, then my dad pulled out into a busy intersection at a red light (had I not screamed a car going 55mph would have hit us). Due to all the toxins coming out of my muscles from trigger point treatment my temp is up to 100, which I found out after sitting in an unheated waiting room for 4 hours at the doctor. My face felt like it was boiling, but it was literally near 30 degrees because they kept opening the doors (where outside it was dropping below 30 w/ ripping winds & bits of snow). I couldn't feel my feet they were so cold by the time I saw my doc.
This morning began w/ a three dog chorus of barking that woke me up before my alarm, when which I rolled around grasping at my aching guts for half an hour. Finally once able to get up, I turned my laptop back on to discover it had been hacked (only a simple script hack, nothing I couldn't sort out, but still)!
Yeah___ in short, I'm taking a personal holiday. <3

Monday, January 5, 2015

Here we go again


Today I got word of my working dates at the university. As previously mentioned, I will be modeling in the art department, & we all know what that means. These days I'm not as comfortable w/ my body as I used to be, even though not much has changed physically (it's more mental/emotional). Between now & my first day of work___ I have some internal work to do in order to walk in w/ chin up & stable mind. So___ here's to going back to work___.
(I hope those that see this image appreciate it for what it truly is, because my body IS art.)


(Painting in the background was a collaboration between my sister & brother in law.)

Saturday, January 3, 2015

When everything is going wrong, it's going right. Right?


For those that hate me, here's a damn good chance to laugh at my expense.
Everything is falling apart around me, literally. I'm crawling on my hands & knees for work, while desperate for insurance & proper medical treatment (there are some things I can't do on my own, like perform a hysterectomy). Thankfully I'm already well-known in the art department at a local university & should be modeling again soon (go figure, I turn down stripping due to my morals & condition, but end up nude again___ at least for art though). As well, I'm applying for temp jobs there too, because I will take anything I can get. Right as I got positive response on work from the university, I heard a dripping (it's been storming for days & will continue to for at least another) above my closet. So, I opened the door & there's water falling through the threshold. Immediately as the water hit my face, all the lights in my room began to flicker & went out in unison (not a power outage, just my lights). & that's just the tip of the iceberg.
Over the last two months everything has been slowly falling apart. Including me, emotionally. [As I type the storm outside is coming down harder by the minute.] Each time I feel as though I've rationalized & talked myself back to a more stable level, something else hits.
My grandfather being so ill has broken my heart, & I haven't believed in broken hearts since I was a teen. At least on New Years as my family was encouraging him to eat & he kindly objected, I thought of a reward system that worked wonderfully! I told him if he cleared his plate I would read passages from the Bible to him (I grew up watching him preach). Seeing the beautiful glint of happiness in his eyes as he reached for my hand is something I will treasure as long as I live. Still, I am heartbroken.
Topping everything off I completely lack inspiration for my work. Sure, I can sit here & type about what's happening in my life, but that's the full extent. From what I have surmised this is reaction to the struggles life has thrown in mine & my family's direction. I literally can't control the tears. At times I will be going about my business & next thing I know___ there are tears rolling down my cheeks & hitting my jeans.
Being encouraged to start dating again doesn't help, because that is pointless. Nothing good could possibly come from that adventure. Think I'll just stick to tending to my family & stabilizing myself, even though things are continuing to fall apart further___ more & more. I feel helpless as I fight to keep going w/ a positive outlook. Charity case at age 30 & certainly not from lack of trying (I've worked & struggled just to hit multitudes of dead ends), ___doesn't matter. I still believe I will find a way to make things work & get out of this w/ my dignity still intact.
Note: I will go on a rampage if this roof leak damages my books, instruments or any of my other valuable gear I can't replace. They may be material objects, but they're all I've got to keep me going (outside of my family & the very few friends I actually have).