Path to progress

As I am nearing my finish w/ smoking cigarettes, too I have mapped out several ways to deal w/ my chronic pain w/out having to use my prescriptions each day. My goal is to just bite the bit & deal w/ the pain unless I'm going through a really terrible spell. This month, in fact, has been rather turbulent___ agonizing. The whole time I've been wishing I had access to at least some of the natural alternatives & supplements that I would like to use. Even though in the current I am unable to afford the essential oils that will treat my nerve pain & various other symptoms___ my research continues. Let's just say it's unfortunate that I'm allergic to peppermint oil, because it could help in a few different ways. Thankfully it's not the main oil that could potentially better assist my ailments. Lately all I've had is MSM, over the counter anti-inflammatories & pain relievers___ & of course the aforementioned prescriptions. To boot, my food supply was rather low & my nutrients were dropping. All this led to some very disconcerting weeks of heightened pain, bad moods & ending up having to mostly stay in bed due to lack of energy. Some days even the ability to be mobile on my own two feet w/out grabbing walls or using a walking prop___ no matter how hard I tried the good ol' mind over matter___ no good.
In good news though, today while finally getting out to grocery shop I came across a dietary supplement I've been interested in trying: SAM-e. It's a naturally occurring molecule in the body that decreases w/ age & betters brain function, joints, mood stability & best of all PAIN. I think it will go nicely w/ DL-Phenalinaline (when I'm able to get more). All these supplements & oils are expensive, but if well researched can do a lot of good for the body. Not to mention diet. I'm eager to get to the next doctor I've been referred to in order to have my symptoms traced to their roots & determine what the best method(s) will be to get me back into a more comfortable position physically. I intend to see a dietician to know exactly what I should & should not be eating. Hopefully w/in the next year I will be able to manage the absurd situation I've been dealing w/ for 8 years.

(Yeah___ sorry, this blog has veered from poetry & such to more general topics. Sometimes you just need to do something a bit different than you were w/ one outlet___ while creating another. I started a second blog under the name Thorscha Elleona Wrye & she's all poetry, prose & art. Happy reading.)

Tickling the bomb

In this life, if
you do not embrace
madness (not anger),
you were never
truly born &
you will never
truly live.

written 6/23/14

One for one

Filling-in

In the past two weeks I have fallen very ill. My body goes through spells where my condition becomes terrifying; day before yesterday this last spell seemed to hit its peek. At 29___ I feel very old due to being so sick. Over the past 8 years, since the initial incident, my 'material' life has fallen apart while my spirit grows by bounds___ leaping forward w/ all I have & am still learning through persevering & remaining as patient as possible. As a child I was born w/out hope, since by simple observation & beginning experience it was apparent life is trouble. Every beautiful moment is surrounded by corners that when turned hold misfortune___, & each misfortune is brimmed w/ the light of the next joyful experience. After rounding so many corners & passing through each glimmering brim___ I have gained more hope than I know what to do w/. However, what knowledge I have earned on my path does not change the fact that my body remains in a continual state of pain & various disturbing symptoms that taunt every second of my conscious life. As well, no professional has ever been able to diagnose or properly treat what ails me. Something tells me I am better for this experience. We all have fears though___ & my main fear is that no matter how hard I fight w/ the faculties of my spirit___ that my body may just remain sullied by illness for the rest of my living days. It would take a miracle to fully regain my health at this point. The damage is too permanent. Still___ I have hope for many aspects of my life. My desires have become very basic over the years, & not what I expected when I was much younger. It appears I have shifted into a very traditional mindset. Once past as much of this illness as can be accomplished___ all I really want is a good & true relationship, a home & a family. However, the last is a tall-call being that due to what has happened to me___ I am unable to have children. In the meantime I am not interested in the tryst or those wasting my time w/ mediocre mind games (the three legged creature calling its crutch a weapon) & so on. Whether I will die young has yet to be determined or if I will ever stumble upon what my hopes are meant for___ & those not able to accept & reciprocate what is is___ hold no place in my life. Neither do I have the interest or the room for such interactions being that there are far more important tasks at hand for me to deal w/.
In my last post I stated that I am keeping most of my writing in journal form now & am retraining my left hand to do all my writing. Two days in___ I've come to realize it is the telling of my life. I have yet to write about the present or the future, only the past leading up to___. & I know this is what is right for me currently. The obstacle of retraining my left hand for good penmanship & what information I put down on paper is worth more than any other outlet to me___ for now.

L.

Journal-izing

Today, after having kicked the idea around for quite some time, I decided to go back to journal writing. My reasons are too long to list & my own business. Basically that is the point: it's my business. Sometimes it's better just to step back even further & do something for the self. Acute examination is necessary, & frankly I don't care if one wrist is busted up___ I miss penmanship. Working w/ a brace on isn't so bad & practice w/ both hands is even better. I'm not exactly removing myself, because if I feel something needs to be said/shared___ no doubt it will be. Otherwise, I intend to keep it to paper until something changes. Right now this is just what life calls for___ & the rest of the world can just f-off until I've gone through this exercise long enough to reach a certain degree of satisfaction. If anything, I suggest this to everybody, because it is for you & you alone. If continued it opens up further understanding of the self. Perhaps it's not for everybody, but then again___ neither is an individual's honest perspective. Out in the open the more we expose our inner thoughts or even life experiences, we get jabbed &/or praised. There are some forms of art that are meant only for the individual, & may perhaps inspire other works for the rest of the world to see in the future___ who knows, really___.
Until next time___.

L.

Plus, a nonsensical image___
just cuz___ <3

Right in front of me

Recently I came to realize that my life is very full. For years I have worked very hard to better the bond & value of the relationships in my life, mostly family. Certainly there have been rough patches, but in life there always will be. Along w/ letting more of them in to know what is really happening in my life, too I was reminded of how I am being deceived & used. There are some situations & people you can’t walk away from easily. We learn from some of the deepest wounds, & as we grow we better understand how to deal w/ those harming us. As well, how to better trust & open up to those which are not deceptive. Committing to positive action for positive result eventually turns for the good, & that is what I have been working toward in my life w/ my family. The work is never finished since we never stop growing & learning. Another aspect I have become aware of is that outside of family I have a few good friends I know I can trust & that trust me, because we’ve gone through thick & thin together. What is beyond family & a few good friends isn’t worth it. & I am talking about my experience, perception & intention only. This does not necessarily apply to everyone. I am not oblivious to the fact that to view me from the outside w/out having gone through thick & thin___ it’s difficult to know what to make of me. This is part of why I say what is beyond family & close friends isn’t worth the trouble, because it works better in my life to let the real people reveal themselves over time. I am weary of people to begin w/ & it’s taken a long time to develop the relationships I have; now I would rather just focus on those. There is enough deception to deal w/ at hand already, & while making new friends would be great___ my life is complicated enough as it stands. More than enough is piled onto my plate & I don’t need more. You think some are kind, but they turn out glib. You try to be polite & continue on w/ friendly, but it amounts to just being perfunctory behavior. & on it continues! Some just want sex. Some just want to be around for association due to reputation. Some just want to take & not reciprocate. Essentially it boils down to: I’ve realized it’s all just not worth my time, when I’ve already got all the wealth & love I can handle right in front of me.

Written: 6/19/2014

The new-age attempt w/ each other

Months ago I
walked into the kitchen
one evening &
began a conversation w/ my
mother
on general spirituality,

I sealed it off by saying,
“One cannot be true to their spirit 
or to others if they do not know
unconditional love & acceptance.”

She paused a moment
in what task she was completing
& I walked back to my room
w/ a full glass of water,
& the home has been better
ever since.

Previously
w/out such communication
there was less understanding
of each other & the paths
we have chosen for our
lives, & now___
more so we work
together
in unison w/ further
knowledge of our
belonging.

Kick the bullshit out

Conjecture & assumption w/out full communication only leads one to invalid conclusions, that are not in any manner actual truth. We’ve all done some wild things in our lives, myself in particular___ yes. Generally in order to protect myself &/or get people out of my life that don’t belong. I’ve never been one much for debauchery. However, committing to outlandish acts to extract those from my life that were unable to get the point, mostly due to being too dependant on me & surrounding themselves in denial. These were situations the likes of which the majority would not understand, because they exist outside the boundaries. Up close though, it was quite obvious that even though I cared a great deal for an individual it was best to do what I must to create distance. Strategy is a necessary asset to obtain what is better for you, especially under circumstances where someone closely intertwined is possessive & blind to their actions. Sometimes it is best to bring their fears to life through the person they hold so dear to send them fleeting. They must learn on their own & cease clinging to a relationship that smothers the other. If anything it’s a last resort, but reluctantly required for everybody’s sake. As a result, the majority may get the impression that not only the one committing to strategy to gain space, but too even the other party involved___ aren’t quite right. What the majority thinks though, in the end, doesn’t mean a damn thing. You have to do what is right for you.
So many trial & error instances I’ve gone through in life, & what I’ve come to learn through the lot is that one must only trust them-self. The degree to which most operate on & are subjected to conjecture & assumption has resulted in not only the fear of others but them-self. Great denial is involved, w/out doubt. None of this is to say I am any better than anyone else, just simply that I’ve come to a point where I refuse to give a shit about other people’s inability to communicate w/ themselves & others, thus allowing conjecture & assumption to lead the way. There is no avoiding it, but it is possible to stop the process in isolated situations & walk away before things get too thick.
In short: I’ve put up w/ enough & refuse to be kicked around by other’s opinions that are not entirely solid. Opinions that were developed through the inability to openly communicate, as well the aforementioned accumulation of fears & varying degrees of denial. In near 30 years I’ve met less than a handful of individuals capable of actual communication. As well, I do not hesitate to say that I am still learning how, when & not to attempt getting involved at all w/ others. Hope & giving the benefit of the doubt occasionally peek my interest in bettering interactions w/ some & making new friends. Unfortunately, it only works out about once a decade, & those I tend to keep. No fingers can be pointed & no one can be blamed, since humanity is just not ready. Thus, for me, it makes the most sense to stick to those I know best. Even when I stand in offer of full communication generally others are so consumed all that ensues is bullshit. We can learn from bullshit, but over-all hope is a dream & in life we can only trust ourselves. Again, other people’s opinions & ideas cast on you don’t mean a thing. The only thing that matters is learning to openly communicate w/ yourself & knowing how to trust you & only you. Protect & serve yourself to help protect & assist those you love & know are trust worthy. Kick the bullshit out, because a clean heart & mind is the most profitable asset for growth & knowledge that is not fogged by fear & denial, be it someone else’s or yours.

written: 6/18/2014

The silent assassin: dedicated to Kenneth Patchen

Take a break
from your predefined
parental-society reality
& take a walk into
what you were taught
not
to see about life

it’s not your fault

there’s a lot more that
just isn’t known,
it’s about what isn’t shown
on the big screen
you were set in front of
when not riding bikes, or
playing in the mud
for fun

I didn’t understand TV
& it was just me
combing through life
diving & weaving
to avoid
the wild beast being stripped
from w/in me

I convinced them
I couldn’t read, because
I knew they wanted something,
I just didn’t know what

but they bathed & combed
me anyway 
at least the best they could
& made me own up
to the fact that, yes I can read
& not only read, but talk
circles around even teachers

I was punished & reviled,
not
given an award

by middle-school I started
a coup among
female students & got a
gym teacher fired,
I was forced
to change schools

by high-school
I conspired to wriggle
my way free
of the public system,
upon victory
I danced & sang
GLORY GLORY
again it’s just me!

public school taught me
to further distrust humanity
& that society is a sham

we are all born wild animals
& we are baited
to be trapped
into a process that is not
our own
& I say, set out the hounds,
take freedom back!


Written some time during 2013, also in my manuscript: Show Heaven to the Sheep

Keyhole of the atria

Once you've broken

everything down

to the

bare

fucking

essentials,

what's left___?

A cold skeleton

w/ only

a still suspended

heart,

& then:
you see the fractures

in each bone

every detail of the past

still remaining

as it always will

w/ one main

crack:

the bleeding heart

which cannot

be ignored.

It seems obvious

the source

is between

the left

& right atria,

so you dig

though perhaps

gently at times

w/ tiny fingers

tugging on

two upper chambers

to peer into

a bloody keyhole

where there

is a comfort

in light,

though surrounded

by an opaque hue

that no longer

needs

a name.

Can't even give a date for when this was written it's been so many years. 

It is included in my manuscript: Show Heaven to the Sheep

An act of Contrition

Imperfect
while w/out sorrow or regret over the past___
Damned be we, whether or not we believe in hell
or a great thereafter, here
we touch, there we drift to beyond a mist
away from the cumbersome grasp
of humanity.

We are too close to witness perfection in this world,
just as we are too crowded for the ideal of
True love, which is shattered
over the knee of reality.

Acceptance is virtue only w/ certitude, so
back up, rewind & erase denial from
what is left of your mind___
open up wide & Fall forever inward
to the outward.

Blindly
we will always seek punishment
to know our rewards fully,
w/out doubt.

written: 10/6/2013

Maybe today (w/out sleep)

Never___
I never sleep
the night before my
doctor appointments,
too___ it always storms.

Awake all night w/out
so much
as a wink, by 5am the rumbles
start to roll in___
knowing my alarm isn't
far away, I decide to
go sit on
the front porch to listen
to the birds sing___
& watch as the lightning
starts up w/ sunrise,
I let a few tears fall w/ the rain
because what difference
does it make
when my feet & hands are
already feeling the drizzle___
just as I turn to walk inside
it really starts up w/ a loud crack
of simultaneous
thunder & lightning___
as my feet hit
the threshold the rain
drops heavier from the sky___

Maybe today
I'll get some good news,
& certainly they won't throw me
into the hospital___
even though it's an easy
phone call away, because___
they're always ready
for a battery of tests & another
IV___

Not today___
I don't want to see or feel
another needle again
in my life, but it's inevitable___
no matter how beautiful
life is___
it will always be
a pain filled struggle___

Iye Igasho (smoke that wanders)

What importance is there to being nothing? It is nothingness in which we exist; you see, we are the spinning top w/ force continually jutting along, only to land again at center of nothing___ completely inert. Currently we spin round-&-round through the natural force born from nothing, because of nothing, thus creating the inertia, which drives us outward, upward, inward, downward___ inside out & upside down. Again, I ask you, what is the importance of being nothing? Since, in fact we are something, we are___ everything. In essence nothingness is whole, whether in a state of inertia or to be inert. The two are opposites, but the same in one.
W/ body we see ourselves as an individual w/ two eyes, two ears, a nose & mouth. We are so closely surrounded by condensed matter of the tangible, & our senses responding, that we get lost or simply never understand that there is no individual. The only individual is nothing, from which has sprung everything. Still we are born, eat, live & breathe believing ourselves to be a lone creature existing among other lone creatures. We have the choice of being alone or to be a part of the crowd, whether or not we feel accepted. & acceptance seems to matter a great deal to one’s mind during certain stages of cognitive growth. It is not necessary though, this thing we perceive as acceptance in the eyes of others. The only acceptance that matters is that of the self, & the self is not much but what may matter in the present. The present is the cusp moment between past & future. As for the past, it is only fragments & memories. The future is simple conjecture, which will eventually be reduced to fragments of experience we require to navigate forward as that lone creature which is the whole. However, no more than a grain of sand in the ripples of a body of water so vast it is incomprehensible. & yes, what is being said here, may be incomprehensible.

This isn’t the point though. No, I don’t know the point. I’m not really interested in getting the total purpose just yet, because___ I’m busy. W/out doubt, there are things to be done beforehand, as the top is still spinning___.

A bright glimmer hits the peripheral vision & it occurs so quickly you may chalk it up to being just a mirage, but in that splice of a second you saw something & it made you wonder. Again & again you shake your head & go back to the grind of life. ‘What next? Am I doing the right thing? What was that you said___ you want me to put me foot where?' & you’re expected to grasp it all at once, & even if you did it would still take awhile to sink in. Whatever it may be. Either way, somewhere inside, you have a personal process responding to the outside world & figuring out how to stay alive is an innate aspect of your individual. Plenty of other things go through our minds as well daily, which have influence on one’s behavior. To say the least___ & to boot, we’re all different but so many of us are the same.
Life is a conundrum in which no matter if we’re sitting still we are still doing something. Maybe what matters is more what is being done w/ that something.
When looking down the barrel of the inevitable there’s an instinct that wants to say: run away, ___when you know you’re already shackled. It’s a process you must go through, just like the pig in the slaughterhouse, whether or not there’s a silver lining you still have to go through the cheese grater. How else would we learn? Although there are people who live out their lives w/out ever knowing, which I find quite odd since it’s right in front of you. Plain as night-&day! & then even, there are people who acknowledge it & just decide not to respond. Don’t you think that’s an insult to existence itself? & I love this God business! What a fantastic lubricant. Segregation is an unfortunate foe, but it is necessary. We can’t all see it from the same angle, because then there would never be any conflict. Sometimes we even experience a lack of conflict & seek out creating it, because perhaps we’re lost & are searching for the right thing to do as we annually slough our skins & live a million lives through each cell which feels like just one moment, w/ titles of past & future as appendages. It can’t only be me, other people too just sit & think until everything is stripped away, the boundary of your understanding is reached & you must wait until something gives. & you can’t behave like it’s somebody else’s fault, since____ it’s just the way things go. Pointing fingers is just denial & denial makes no sense, to me, since unless one can indubitably prove themselves to themselves, then why run away? Sure put some things off, I mean hell___ we’ve all got fears. Inevitably you will have to face them though, just like flu shots when you were a kid. Even as an adult you occasionally smell the building your parents would take you to each year for your shot. Back then it seemed like such a big deal & now I look back & smile w/ a bit of a laugh, since by 30 I’ve seen so many needles & IVs that I even sing through the squealing when they shove a needle into the meat of my backside. I’ve been so sick I was once found slumped on the floor up against the cupboard beneath my apartment’s sink, feeling what could have been the final moments of my last breath. At that time I had lost all will somehow & my condition was critical to an extreme, whether or not I would or could afford to go see a doctor. By then I had gotten used to paralyzing pain & had drug my body across the apartment floor in order to unlock the door for help. Now I know my power of will & strength much better, as well___ my potential as something w/in nothing.

Thrown into this world full of possibilities & having to come to terms w/ the fact that you have to pay for life. Your payment is not death, because death___ well, death is a dubiously promising relief. I’m still working on that one even though it seems pretty obvious that acceptance is acceptance. Again the inevitable! More so the payment for life is the struggle that comes in between birth & death. Assuming most see hope as a child, I did not. There was something else going on in my mind from the second I was cut from her body. A ticking w/ pitch shifting, the distractions of the outer world sometimes drown it out but it just gets louder. By the age of three something changed in me drastically, something even my parents admit. I know what happened, what realization clicked & I forever know that change. It’s one of the few memories I retained from childhood. Needless to say this made me different from other children & as an adult it’s people in general. When I meet another who gets it we look eye-to-eye as if to say: oh, you see it too___ check, we’re cool, & so on. You may not even like each other, but there’s an understanding you both share that cannot be denied. As I’ve grown older I’ve noticed there’s a shedding of layers in this which leads to the loosing of friends & so on simply because they aren’t advancing on the same path as you in understanding & perception. Due to this repetition I’ve learned to let go & just spend most of my time alone. It is difficult to be close to anyone when living on a continual rollercoaster of illness & agony. They want me around, but most of the time I just can’t do it. I used to, & even managed the ability to make money some way or another, but it reached a point where solitude is the only option in a day-after-day sort of scheduled malady of disturbing symptoms.
Acceptance is quite a slippery thing, eventually you settle into the process though. What remains is the observations on how something of such immense & all consuming magnitude, to the point of paralysis & to become a prisoner to its effects, could happen. In my case it was by someone else’s hand, not nature per se, but in a sense still very much a part of it; maybe it bites me that I was so blind to let it happen. W/out doubt I was left w/ the impression that I cannot trust this world. Trust has to be found somewhere, even if in oneself.  W/out full understanding of the intent behind the initial incident I began to set structures in my mind to help protect myself. At the same time scared of something & not even knowing if it was myself or___. There’s a positive side to all of this___ since I think perhaps before this I was jaded already, if anything my mentality has improved whether or not my health is on the same track. I remember the outside world; it was a strange place full of fake smiles, perfunctory behavior due to necessary alliance & pseudo enemies___ but friends, people, strategy, interaction, experience, more laughter. Now I see it as the grass isn’t greener on the other side, so shut the fuck up & keep to your own deal.

Beginning to get the impression that we felt as though we were promised more at birth & got less, & we should only be lucky to blame ourselves? It’s how you deal w/ it that matters. The type of childhood I assume in others due to media, literature, observation & such, I always found misleading. Being ill & mostly confined to one room has helped me strengthen my self-discipline, however that doesn’t mean I have accomplished much. Perhaps that’s just how I see it though, I’m told otherwise at times, but I feel I’m rather stuck in my own head. I’m beginning to think we are all stuck in our own heads, just some more so than others.


(the first sections of the book I'm working on___ the pages I've written beyond this still need a lot of work, so this is as much as I can show right now)

It's just me

When the illness had just began___
before paralyzing pain, screaming & vomiting
there was a twitch in my uterus___
it was still an adventurous time in my life
even though I suspected the onset
of something horrific, it didn’t stop me,
if anything the feeling encouraged me to go on
while I could still have fun___

One night, while sitting up in bed, next
to my sleeping boyfriend___
I watched a cloud form in front of me, w/in
was contained symbols laid out in formulas, &
even though I could hardly believe this
I was witnessing, joy rushed over me, since
inside I remembered everything___
as the cloud began to dissipate my mind
was bombarded w/ each karmic connection
made in life, only it felt like more, because
I was only twenty-two___

All this having passed I shook my head,
looked at the other sound asleep in my bed
knowing he experienced none of it___
I got up to take a piss
w/out turning a light on since
navigation in the dark is simple adjustment,
rounding the corner back to my room___
a light burst in front of me, & as
I stopped in the hallway it was clear
an Indian chief  stood
in front of me___

Not a word was spoken, I told no one
& nearly forgot during the worst years
of illness___
recently though, I’ve begun to remember
as additional experiences crop up___
not only
do I see him in my memory,
when rounding corners in the same house
I hear an infant crying___
sometimes for just a split second
& during long spans, knowing the windows
are all shut, I will walk outside
just to check
& hear nothing___

Mockery from the shadows

Nights in the previous month I have woken from w/ unexplained burns, torn flesh & bruises that linger for weeks. This compelled me to gather stones I don’t know if truly work in my favor. I used a bowl full of cleansed water, rose & crystal quartz I soaked in sunlight. Some even strung around my neck, because I remembered the past of having been so close to death. Back then, years ago, as I lay nearly paralyzed & screaming out night & day for help that was not received___ the bed would shake as I saw before my eyes nightmarish landscapes that could not be avoided. I was infected & fighting for my life. When the illness was too much & screams were muffled by fatigue___ clenching the sheets, I could feel, hear & see the glass of the windowpane next to me being pounded to nearly a shatter & the structure of the house seemed to be falling. Then I would slip into unconsciousness, & when waking again___ it was silent for a few hours, say for my pounding heart & mind stating to remain strong. That went on for two & a half years straight before anything could be done. & as the infection left me, I drew closer to death’s grip. Screaming at the walls, even more paralyzed than before, my will nearly collapsed w/ my body___ not the windows or walls. Now still struggling w/ the left over pain I understand my strength, but something still hangs around me. Just as the shadows in my room used to deepen, shift, creep closer & consume the very bed I lay in___ something breathes into my dreams as a reminder that I am not free. Last night, w/ bowl & stones I questioned if were silly, my energy was pulled & taunted. Fears rose up which I attempted to placate, & a ringing grew louder inside me. Saying to myself: all is fine, the storm outside softened to just the rain falling w/ little breeze. The more I eased myself___ it felt as though anger grew in the air surrounding, but it was not mine. W/out fear, this only depressed me, & I kicked the ill feelings away enough to ignore the taunting. Just as I thought all was calm, laying in the dark___ something caught my eye, compelling me to watch the window. A bright light shines from the house behind giving the tree’s shadows more distinction. I have known this room for more than 8 years & I trust each shift in the trees, which have not changed. This time though, I saw a different shadow___ one I could not rationalize. My logical mind was puzzled but not afraid as I sat & watched what looked to be a mangled torso moving back & forth, almost pacing. It did not line up w/ the sway of branches & leaves, for the wind would have had to be much stronger to produce this image. It was as thick as the oak tree’s trunk, but the scape outside does not line up & had never produced such an image. I laughed w/ nearly a scoff, because I would not be caught off guard by such an occurrence. My imagination could have built all this up, I said, but still was kept alert even though I yawned. Eventually all gave in & I fell asleep, waking to nothing more than the norm. Except for a rather large bruise went missing from my leg, which had shown up just the morning before. My mind chalked it all up to: what is is, leaving all this experience open ended___ as always. The dream I had though___ it was the first of me seeing myself as a child attempting to capture a blue, mercurial liquid I had chased & it was slowly dripping through a grate in the ground. No facts have I found from all this, ___just further acceptance of mystery.

(taken from actual experience, but still___ the mind & its maze can be a tricky thing)

Secretions from the past (just a beginning)

Upon leaving the alcove I was born in___ I could hear the faint hiss, what feels so long ago___ boarding the train in Birmingham, Alabama to Atlanta, Georgia. The most disgusting station I’ve ever seen was the first, leading to the worst stretch of train ride I’ve ever experienced. It was on way to my great grandmother’s centurion birthday party___ that gloomy November I remember so clearly. Not until after exiting Georgia did it become a tolerable pleasure at best. Sleeping on a wooden pew in a ratty station boarders were suggested not to leave in Charlottesville; I was there for six hours in the middle of the night, waiting for a train ride which would only take three hours. Only to face the drive from North Carolina to South Carolina, w/ an undiagnosed infection devouring my reproductive organs. I had to be there though, & take the first part of the journey alone. To hear the sound, that hiss grow louder, which as it comes closer resembles the whisper of death’s scythe. That December___ my great grandmother died a legend in my mind. Today, when I hear the whispering swish get louder, I pick up the phone in tears & scream “Take me to her grave! NOW!” At her grave I sing & dance for her, & the rest of the family. For the little still-born whose grave is right next to great grandmother’s & great grandfather’s___ to just a step back, which leads to Native American heritage of unmixed blood. Where is that blood now? Only sections run through my veins. I remember though & I know. I know the swing & swish, the whisper of secrets I cannot tell. Secrets only death knows in full & feeds just a trickle when my spirit rounds corners & expands further___ in order to see what previously could not have been perceived. I miss them, but I know I am not separated from them___ at all.

Potential for continuation

Through corridors of my own maze, not fleeting but pacing calculation. Making progress takes strategy, & strategy takes patience & forethought. Together, yes, together I see each section that must & will be acknowledged___ through experience in the present. As the present separates into fragments moving into future, the past becomes more than memory but potential for idea(s). Equipped w/ idea, sewn fragments from aforementioned experience, ability increases. Transcendent potential. Existence beyond what is seen before the eyes can be grasped through more than interstitial splices.
My maze, my developed tools___ gifted___ by?
Yes, together. Focused inward to move outward as navigation takes place in what is necessary for understanding. True, a realm of bric-a-brac seems to surround. However, that is only a matter of perception, & perception shifts just as reality___ just as do the surface plates of this planet. What would this planet be w/out aspect? Bare. Infecundus. Thankful this is not the case, for we are surrounded by wealth whether or not our pockets are empty. Standing midst the city we round the corners of our minds. We are able to work past the mind & mold it to tool; yes, for better navigation.
Our mazes overlap in an endless cycle of creation, maintenance & destruction. Learn. Be thankful. Love___ this gift.

(continuation meaning___ I may expand on this, since there is always more.)

What cannot be destroyed

Taking the deep
inhale
& letting go
of everything
upon the exhale
for that clear point
straight through
the center
forward
onward beyond
all this

chaos___

I am more than
body
I am more than
mind

I am___

Void this

Nothingness
is
the whole
being

Free (unsullied)

Walking
bare foot on the
wet sands
of my own beach,
happily
out of reach

dunes created by
the winds
of time
surround me, &
all that is
is my work &
the horizon
over which the
sun rises
followed by
the moon

both
cheerfully
greet & play
w/ me

I
need nothing
more than
this &
my shadow to
share
my secrets
w/