W/out holes

Honestly
I’m sick to the gills
fed up
w/ so much I don’t even
know where to begin,
but aren’t we all, at
least I’ve got 9 pairs of socks
w/out
holes in them.

Sitting w/ the thought of joy

Staring off into nothing

w/ plenty on the mind

not happy not sad

just calm.

Even when a lot you wouldn’t expect
cuts w/out hitting too deep
there are certain things,
if subjected to over a long period
could be gotten used to, but currently
rub me the wrong way.

I’ve been fighting a long time
to get my life back
& it consumes what life I do have
& I keep saying: eventually something
will work

you know you’re not happy

& you’re not sad either

calm is fine,

since any other emotion would be
a waste of energy, w/ the
exclusion of
joy.

Out again

You’ve gotta hit
a lot of dead ends
before
something works

I’ll tell you
what
it’s like when
something actually
works___.

Maybe
it’s just a matter of
finding the switch that turns
the disappointment emotion___
off.

Remembering tangents

Neoteny / juvenilization / fetalization may be what brings humanity to its knees. Forever suckling at the mothering tits society has handed us as a luxury for centuries now only further leads the majority of our offspring into a retardation of our survival instincts. Such as kings w/ hired maidens to specially pre-chew their food soz to relieve them of the first physical "labor" of eating, just as an extreme example.
Even w/ the padding that modern society offers us, in which either way we must work ourselves to death, still holds us in a position where we are dependent such as ignorant newborns. How many of our adults are walking, talking infants due to socialization & environment?
Thankfully though some of us are not given this option at birth. Perhaps the orphans w/out the nurturing mother should feel grateful, because it gives them an advantage. I am not an orphan, but by will at birth I rejected being nurtured. One could very well say I hit the ground running, & literally acted as though I wanted nothing to do w/ the body I was cut from. Due to this, I was thrown out w/ the bathwater & it never could've worked out better in the end. I know how to depend on myself & no one else; as well I have literally fought for my life on several occasions. If society crumbled tomorrow, whether in the remaining anarchy or the wilderness I would still do what I have to do to survive. & the cracking joke of all of it to me, is that the ones continually questioning my sanity would also be the ones crawling to folks like me to survive. Thinkers, poets, heretics, saints are more likely the true warriors in modern times. The very human beings which are rejected from this so-called norm of adult infantile society are the ones who will survive.
Humanity, I keep referring to us in the whole as being infantile as far as government/society goes. My reasoning for this is actually based off of a very simple observation of children in their cognitive development. We take it as a birth right to rebel from the very flesh & blood we were born from. Humanity in the whole seems to be rebelling viciously against Mother Nature...the very dirt we were born from. & I see, as children grow up they continue to rebel from what they hate about their parents while subconsciously living out those very flaws in their own lives from different angles. No matter if we rebel, no matter if we crush each other, no matter if we personally murder our mother & father...it's still the foundation we rose from & can never entirely forget or leave behind. W/ humanity & nature it is that nature will catch up w/ humanity & bite it in the ass. To me, we're just an over-grown pack of kids & most only existing as they run for their lives. Some though, some see it & are able to feel alive on the fringes of the pack while continuing in symbiosis w/ nature. However, the over-grown pack of kids, w/ every step tends to hasten their very demise.

(written in 2013)

On the fringes

[En marge]

Shaking
w/ fists clenched
laughing manically at the stars

I’m sick of soulfully believing w/
such faith & blind trust
that I go hungry
standing on the fringes
of what known
universe

empty arms stretched
open wide

there’s no
underground railroad
& there was never
an easy way
out.

*

[Marge II]

There’s no savior coming
for me
or a happy ending
but I accept the pain anyway

I have no choice in where I’m going
but it’s up to me to find my way
don’t you see
don’t you see I’m not able to see
where all this is taking me
& in the end
I find it difficult to care

sometimes I cry but it takes me
nowhere

there’s the way you
feel & see
then there’s the way
it just is & has
to be.

Gnawing at refined madness

Threw all my tobacco
in the trashcan
outside,
too___ I don’t want to take
my prescriptions,
since now I have alternatives

I’m sweating,
chewing on toothpicks &
some buried aspect of my psyche wants
to break everything

I keep laughing at it though

when I want to punch something
I just smile___,
because I understand the point of this
transition.

Lavora per la sicurezza

Ladro, umgeben

Ein skrupelloser Betrüger
missbraucht durch die Armbeuge
Ich war wo

:Dal momento della nascita

una ferita così profonda
non so dove mi trovo

Ora MI TROVO

Unter den ausländischen Architektur
nur weiß ich, wer ich bin
die Verteidigung des selbst

Io risparmio
per il futuro migliore

Ora MI TROVO 
 

A strange dream

Age twenty
in a pub
by the bay
w/ a friend, waiting
for her family to
join us

sitting in front of me
all she did was
complain,
as I debated
returning
to Alabama on an
earlier plane,
it was all about the
approaching family & 
their treatment
of her

I heard the words

a strange feeling
was pulling me though,
& as she talked
I leaned to the side
to witness a man
hovering 
over his plate wide-eyed

looking at me
as if in a state of shock

my body felt
as though my bones were
being ripped from
inside, toward his direction, 
& w/out thought I popped
my mouth open & explained
to my friend the logic of
her situation
& how
it could be dealt w/ 

I wanted her to shut up

since
for the first time in my life
I was experiencing
something I could not
begin to understand
or explain

as her family walked in
I took the opportunity
to get up, 
& take a picture 
in the mirrors on 
the wall
across the room
just to study 
his 
reaction

our eyes followed
each other

I could barely eat,
he didn’t touch his food,
& when the family
was ready to leave
he & I met as we both
slid our plates into
the trash can,
w/ the same wide eyes
he said hello to me
& to this day
I can’t recall if I 
replied

once out of the pub
& across
the street I noticed him
propped up against
a light post, &
I idly stood near
taking pictures of
random details

to further examine that
strange feeling

until my friend pulled 
me
away to see 
this or that & I asked 
if she had seen him, 
but she was
totally consumed 
& didn’t know what
I was 
talking about

the rest of the trip
he stayed on my mind

I wished I would
have talked 
to him
so at least
I knew 
a little more 
than I did before

(& feeling poorly written, I might add)