Just to be dust

Dealing w/
an impending sense of
loss,
a stomach ache that
never quits,
death breathing down
my neck w/
no bargaining chips___,
wondering how
to deal
when certain plateaus
give way beneath
my feet,
hoping still
for a good day
not soaked in pain___;
watching as
the realm
surrounding gives
birth
to what grows
learns
& deteriorates, only
to be replaced by
another seed
to turn to
dust

While everything is here

Looking up___
a flock of starlings
swoop in unison, weaving
through the sky like
a dance, &
I can feel the wind caressing
my every atom

something is on the rise___

Stages of unfolding in the cerebral cortex

Subconscious shifting to
numb
to remain level so
no one, especially not me,
could see the inevitable eruption
from too much building up
that hangs around,
as opposed
to just passing through

having recognized it means
work






Photo taken 9/27/14, shattered giraffe in the gutter 

Some pieces of the puzzle are larger than others

Seeking to create a whole
new world in life,
change the majority of directions,
leave the past behind

Is it possible to shut the door
on the past
when it clings on so tight
is it possible to walk away from it
for good?

What world will be created___

The foundation stays basically the same
w/ a few things broken here or there
do the best on cleaning the mess
& build atop what is not
necessarily rubble

Instead, it’s an important lesson___

Having stumbled head first
into it, as usual, there’s always more
about the self & others
to learn,
no matter how much it hurts

You’re better off
for leaving certain things behind___

Playing dice up against the backwall

No,
I
don’t know what
I’m doing

some days
it feels like
everything is
spinning
out of control
& my best
isn’t enough, but
all-in-all somehow
things work,
even if___ in a
backward manner

Still, we must stop to think

A long pause
taken w/
thought focused
on motion,
before
continuing
forward to check
on eternity,
even though you
don’t have all
the
answers
in
hand

Song opening (recording)

Better recording than my last sad attempt. Still quite raw, but it's improving___ I think. (HaH)

Portrait

image 9/17/14, edit 9/18/14

We're both scared

Last night
my cat & I spent
time together, before
her trip to the vet
today___

she just got back, &
promptly I was
asked if
I gave her all
the medicine___
& I said yes, down
to the last possible
drop
in the bottle

apparently
the antibiotics didn’t
clear the bacteria,
the medicine didn’t work,
& now there’s more___
twice as much
as before

I’m not sure what to say,
other than stating
the fact that___
we’re both
scared

Granular perception

Tonight 9/12/14

Introducing ourselves as bullshit

Life sucks
so what,
a drop of hope
here
a glimmer of yes
there,
& it’s supposed to be
this glorious thing
& perhaps it is,
but what
I’m getting at is:
hummingbirds
can fly
backwards
or be
suspended in mid air
as still as they
please,
for similar reasons
that is
why we
keep going___

but
are we doing ourselves justice?

Together

Before Posh
got sick,
she
was content
to do
her own thing,
&
didn’t cling
to me
like a kitten
anymore

now though___

she spends
time
sitting
beside me
at night, after
I have
cuddled &
petted her
furry & thin
little body

*

when she
feels
very ill
I leave the
door cracked
so we can
be
together
for
as long as
she
needs

photo taken
last night,
Posh resting
next to me

More tests

A few days ago
the vet rang,
asking
for my cat
to be
brought back in,
they want to
determine
if she has
the on-set of
kidney disease

we have
gone through
a lot
in recent
weeks w/ the
medicine,
she knows it
helps her
feel better, but
just like a
child
she detests
the taste of it
when it’s time
for me to
administer
the fluid

the call came
just before
the finish of
what
remains
in the bottle

one more
dose
is
left
& next
they take
her
away again
for more
tests

Gritty (recording)

Used two different recording methods to make it nice & scratchy___.
I wrote this piece today (9/4/14)

Click clack (video)

Over the years I've gotten several requests from friends to see me work at my machine. Never really quite understood why, because from the outside looking in___ I assume it's rather boring. Last year I did a series of recordings for myself so I could study my mannerisms & particular quirks developed from working for hours at the typewriter (nothing I held onto, it was just for study). Not sure how it goes for others, but my typewriter holds extreme importance & sentiment to me. When I lifted her out of rubble she was basically a beaten ornament, but after plenty of hard work I brought her back to life. Just how we develop a 'bond' w/ a car___ I have w/ my machine.Today, due to internal issues & illness, as I sat down to work___ I thought it to be about time I go ahead & record me creating a piece. So, by request, for my friends & readers___ here is the process I go through on a regular basis w/ The Machine.

Only okay

Cradling my
fifteen year old
cat in a towel
like a baby

letting her hide
her face
& telling her
it’s going to be
okay

that we’ll
get through it
together

she takes
the medicine
easier now
& afterward
I wipe
the spittle
off her face
&
hold her
just
a moment
longer

so
we both
know
it will be
okay

so
we both
know