Until then

Being held back in the publishing process, & I'm looking at it like a good thing. As I said: the windows are already open, why must I open the doors too. ___Seems only natural I'd be fine w/ it.
Right now it's too early. The only reason I'm awake is being in too much pain to sleep.
What matters more is my nervous system standing on end, screaming.
I sit calm. Quiet. Appearing peaceful.
If I were actually cut deep w/ blood gushing, I would sit just as still & calm; serene w/ a different version of pain. My body doesn't respond to impact wounds as one might think. Be it road burn or puncture, it's like taking a break. Gives my body something else to think about & deal w/.
Mental tasks, if anything, drive the pain. It's usually what motivates me.
& sometimes I look around & think: holy shit___ this is my life___ what the fuck?
& I try to change it, but it's like being in a puddle of drying glue. Like when paralyzed___ you try, you push to move, & there may be some progress. In the end though, you have to wait until the paralysis subsides before making any real moves.
I assume it to be implicit that my focus is on my livelihood & self maintenance, more so
than trinkets such as books. Once more familiar w/ the process I'm sure
it won't be such an issue to release the work in that form.