Pump up the volume

(rough draft of I don't give a shit)

If any desire to be actual friends w/ me exists, you won’t really get anywhere unless you’re capable of direct, honest communication. It sounds like a sort of double standard being that I’m very much sealed off from the outside world, & being a writer adds to the appearance of a double standard. Thing is, I wasn’t always sealed off & was very social. It was people’s flimsy personalities, default dishonesty & perfunctory behavior used simply to get what they want w/out considering how they may affect others that eventually burnt me out to such a degree I decided it was better just getting to know myself for myself. I remember what it’s like though, to be unsure about direct communication, because most people continue to live out their lives not being totally honest w/ others or themselves. This being a basic (& yes) general fact, I feel cornered & alone due to knowing how to convey myself & stand by my truths. Now my fear is not about the act of honest communication, instead it’s come down to certain instances in which I’d like to express how I really feel to another, but become hesitant not knowing how they will react (call these: special cases). Actually, the more I speak up & out the more disgusted I become by humanity. I’d really like to go back to being far more social, but those days are over. I’ve invested myself in enough bullshit I thought was worth it & ended up telling people off or just simply outgrowing others & pushing them away to know it’s usually not worth the effort. As far as I can observe___ dating is over rated, fucking is over rated & most forms of friendship are highly over rated.
 
Even as adults we get into these circles & patterns where we’re convinced the child-like behavior is gone. Believing to be above all that due to the truths we’ve built to support ourselves & the people of like mind, assisted by the decoration of knowledge & experience w/out fully realizing the lessons still continue. Thus, shielding ourselves from the point truth that we amount to nothing. Life is life though & there’s no way to completely avoid all of the bullshit scenarios. As I’ve been saying since my teens & still firmly believe: humanity must be cut down to half or a quarter its population & return to a hunter/gatherer type society before certain understandings can be met. We have over reproduced, exhausting our natural resources & have built too many structures & systems in order to escape certain realities. Instead of communicating & working together to help one another grow & cope we depend on systems such as psychiatry to stick us in yet another category & plaster yet another label on us. More than happy, while still kvetching, to dish out the money & lap up their medicines & varying diagnosis___ we dilute ourselves further. We forget that what other’s think & label us by does not define us, however we will forever be subjected to other’s opinions. It comes down to learning how not to give a shit what anybody thinks, to be yourself for yourself & not let anyone stop you. & the fact that in the end all be all or grand scheme of us amounting to nothing (resulting in humanity’s mass inferiority complex, denial & need to over compensate___ sticking to the systematic example of psychiatry) we will forever be in fear of ourselves, especially ourselves as a whole. While enjoying the idea of individualism, it too is a currently beneficial system of bullshit designed so that we have something to cling to. It seems like that’s what modern day life in society revolves around: having something to cling to whether or not it's false, because we know we are only what we have learned to be & tell ourselves we are. & we’re so scared we’re wrong that we will kill to defend a lie we have convinced ourselves is the truth. We’re so busy building ourselves up & putting others down, that we forget to just stop___ & observe. Before spouting off about double standards, I suggest opening up to yourself & everyone involved in your life w/ full honesty & absorbing every reaction w/ acceptance. No doubt that will take several years of your life, & if you’re able to commit to that process completely, then reflect. By then you won’t be so scared, by then you’ll have learned a lot about life that was just out of reach & that there’s still more to come.

The above section may appear scattered, & that is because I’m tired of conveying my view through bullet points. If you don’t get it, you don’t get it___ that’s not my problem. My problem is that I’ve been hammering away at the same point for quite some time now, & there is still something very important left unsaid. Currently, my faith in there ever being another I can share everything w/ is rapidly fading. Even if I get over the hesitation of conveying my true feelings in specific cases___ I may still feel alone while surrounded & absolutely a part of everything, while amounting to nothing but dust. Until I turn the next corner in my realizations in this life, as far as I’m concerned, I’m just talking into static___ waves in which I don’t really know if anybody is listening or capable of understanding. I don’t give a shit what the majority think of me & I don’t care if I’m above or below anybody, because I’m comfortable w/ knowing that I amount to nothing whether or not I am part of a whole. It’s not my fault if others never learn to pull their head out of their ass & finally look around w/ intent to learn the real truth. It’s my fault if I don’t tend to those specific cases, because those are the important areas of my life right now. I would rather take on the journey to know the truth reciprocally, than remain in the dark. Dust or not, that doesn’t mean I can’t be productive & honest in my life in the way I see fit.