No sleep or beans

Coffee is not
something I consume anymore
I gave it up because it makes my pain worse, but
there are days (like today) where I wish I could have
a cup___ just a cup, since sleep is not
something I have much of
due to the pain.

It kept me half awake last night, & today I must
scrub the house to a polish to assist her favorite candy
(I saved)
& a card I handmade___ thankfully creations from my heart
hold more value than bought trinkets lacking
personal sentiment w/ a price-tag attached & perhaps
sealed in cellophane.

There are beans in the freezer, left over from when I did drink
___coffee___ but just like my limited intake of cigarettes
those beans are only used for emergencies, & now
I just don't see the point in grinding them up
because my body pays for the act of drinking a cup
in the long-run.

Instead I pull myself up by my own boot straps
& summon the energy from who even knows where &
get the job done___ regardless of the pain
not letting up, thus depriving me of sleep & keeping me___
beyond exhausted.

Soon I hope to have the same lack of desire to strike a lighter
& keep on smoking one after another, to assist the struggle
of having to keep on living w/ the pain
& sleep deprivation___
I'll make it out clean, whether or not I'm still tired___
because it's part of what I want on way to
ridding myself of this
painful bane.