Thick tangential rise

When growing up most of us have some form of expectation or ideal as to how our lives should turn out as adults, but I couldn’t muster the volition to set any high hopes for my future. All I remember is seeing so much struggle & suffering in the people surrounding me that I understood that at a certain point in life that’s what I would have to look forward to, because in the long-run it’s all up to event & entropy. This isn’t to say I didn’t have dreams & desires, just simply that I wasn’t willing to bank too much on anything since I’d already witnessed even the smallest of fortunes being ripped away w/out prior notice. I learned early not to hold on to anything too tightly, because we exist in a temporary state in which pain is the adhesive of an illusive thing called happiness. It sounds like being self-defeated, but it’s not. I still owned up & took life on w/ serious intent to do right for myself & by my own morals, if anything out of good-natured spite.  
Well, here it is: I’m almost 30 & I’ve been torn down & ripped up to the point where all I want is to have my health & my life returned to some form of solid tracks. My 20s have been spent experiencing organs being eaten alive by a freak infection (caused by a so-called doctor equipped w/ a dirty scalpel) that couldn’t be placed by a multitude of medical practitioners in one state, which rendered me physically & emotionally absent for the majority of this decade. Two & a half years into it I crossed the US & landed in an ER (diagnosed & treated in about 2 hours by a doctor I can only describe as: The Surfer). They told me that the infection coming out of my body would be worse than it actively eating my insides, but what they didn’t tell me is that an infection of that severity slowly exiting the body could kill me. Sure enough, I existed on the cusp between conscious in this reality & easily slipping beyond anyone’s grasp & further into nothingness. That lasted for three years until finally my stubborn strength shattered & it became pick one side or the other. Certainly it was a cake-or-death moment, & I wasn’t too sure I wanted the cake anymore since the frosting just makes me sick. Needless to say I took the stomach wrenching frosting, because there’s still more to do. Already having lived through hell means: like hell will I give up, cuz I’m gonna get it ALL back when I hit the ground running. When I hit the ground running___ an excellent aspiration for crawling back from the brink of death, but what has revealed itself as more of a noble concept than a plan to be properly executed. Currently I feel as though I am up against a seemingly impermeable obstacle. The goal appears to be either keep smashing into it until my skull breaks, or the wall gives, & apparently that's just how it goes.
Essentially, my childhood notions have only been proven correct. What I did not expect, however, are the positive results of suffer & struggle. I may be penniless & still attempting to convalesce, while not having the same things many have to show for themselves by this age in life, due to my experiences. At the same time though, I have become humble through the gain of knowledge. Content by understanding that what I have faced & navigated through was worth every second of madness & agony. There is a reason I chomp at the aspect of futility in life as if it were my own personal bit, & that’s because the universe constantly has its spurs in my sides___ just waiting for me to buck. No doubt, another lesson will be learned. We fight in life & attempt to bargain for compromise in order to meet forward progress & growth. If we don’t fight/struggle/suffer & buck when life rides our backs as if it’s a free-for-all, but not for us, then we never learn what life actually has in store. Nothing gets sowed & nothing gets reaped. If that isn’t a basic point of purpose, then I am not someone you should be taking seriously.

“What you believe is what you see” - Brian Eno