Looking into a thousand-yard stare

What did I hold in my hands that I do not now?

his menacing frown,
or the nerves rambling in my gut
as he would intentionally
stand behind me

& suddenly the thought flat-lines because
I just don’t have it in me
to complain or too readily emote since
long ago I let go

so much so
only his death was left
& looking him in
the face
one too many
times